Back in the day I loved dancing and parties, loud music and lots and lots of hoopla, like any ordinary young person does. I couldn’t wait for the weekends, when my girlfriends and I would go dance the nights away. I didn’t like being alone and I was afraid of the dark. Whenever my parents would go away with their trailer, I would be really excited until the night fell, then the excitement would change to a low-grade anxiety over being alone in the house.
Today I took the dogs on a long hike through the local forest and it was so peaceful and quiet. All the noises I could hear were from Mother Nature, birds in the bushes, the wind in the trees, the murmurs of little creeks and streams. That’s when it struck me that now I actually prefer the quiet, and I revel in being alone, in peace and serenity. Now I actively search out quiet and solitude the way I used to search out company and commotion when I was younger. It’s like I found the polar opposite of me since moving to the island. My soul sighs in relief when I find that little piece of serenity on my walks.
I am not afraid of the dark anymore either, now it feels like a safe cocoon. I don’t mind taking the dogs out at night with nothing but the small porch light on. I look up at the twinkling stars and listen to the noises of night-active animals out in the woods surrounding our home. It makes me feel happy.
As I walked today I pondered that discovery about myself and I wondered what triggered the 180 degree change in me. Is it simply maturity and age? Or is it the environment I live in? Or could it be something that was planted in me while I was a small child? As a young child I was a bit of a loner. According to my Mom, I could amuse myself for hours just playing by myself. Then when puberty hit I constantly searched out friends and companionship and didn’t like to do things on my own anymore. That’s also when the anxiety about being in the dark started.
I think this is something I will simply never quite figure out and there really is no reason to do so. I just take comfort in the fact that I discovered something pretty powerful and profound about myself today and now I can consciously use it to move forward into my future.